Study Edition · Essay 65
Disintroductions
Source: Written 1902; collected in The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, vol. 9, Tangential Views (1911). Text from Project Gutenberg #66490. Complete. Archaic verb forms modernized; vocabulary kept and glossed.
Ambrose Bierce, a Civil War veteran and San Francisco newspaper columnist, was nicknamed “Bitter Bierce” for his savage wit; his best-known book is The Devil's Dictionary. In this short piece he attacks a small American habit: introducing people to each other without asking whether they want to meet. He turns that small annoyance into a mock-logical argument about democracy and liberty, then proposes a solution, the “disintroduction,” acted out as a tiny comic play. Enjoy the deadpan logic, the invented words (“Smithocracy,” “unacquaintance,” “unmeet”) and the twist in the last sentence.
36 sentences: 16 simple, 14 moderate, 6 complex. Hover a number for its paraphrase; click it for the full note.
Key Vocabulary
- perilserious danger
- syllogisma three-step logical argument (All A are B; C is A; so C is B)
- affirmto state firmly
- promiscuousindiscriminate; done without care or choice
- unauthorizedwithout permission
- incautiouslycarelessly; without caution
- prudentsensible and careful
- presumptiona reasonable assumption
- erroneouswrong; mistaken
- gregariousfond of company; sociable
- punctiliousvery careful about correct behaviour
- discretiongood judgment, especially about what to say or keep private
- esteemrespect; regard
- mischancebad luck; an unlucky accident
- elaborationdevelopment in greater detail
- estrangeto make people unfriendly toward each other
The Essay
The devil is a citizen of every country, but only in our own are we in constant peril of an introduction to him.1 That is democracy.2 All men are equal; the devil is a man; therefore, the devil is equal.3 If that is not a good and sufficient syllogism I should be pleased to know what is the matter with it.4
To write in riddles when one is not prophesying is too much trouble; what I am affirming is the horror of the characteristic American custom of promiscuous, unsought and unauthorized introductions.5
You incautiously meet your friend Smith in the street; if you had been prudent you would have remained indoors.6 Your helplessness makes you desperate and you plunge into conversation with him, knowing entirely well the disaster that is in cold storage for you.7
The expected occurs: another man comes along and is promptly halted by Smith and you are introduced!8 Now, you have not given to the Smith the right to enlarge your circle of acquaintance and select the addition himself; why did he do this thing?9 The person whom he has condemned you to shake hands with may be an admirable person, though there is a strong numerical presumption against it; but for all that the Smith knows he may be your bitterest enemy.10 The Smith has never thought of that.11 Or you may have evidence (independent of the fact of the introduction) that he is some kind of thief, there are one thousand and fifty kinds of thieves.12 But the Smith has never thought of that.13 In short, the Smith has never thought.14 In a Smithocracy all men, as aforesaid, being equal, all are equally agreeable to one another.15
That is a logical extension of the Declaration of American Independence.16 If it is erroneous the assumption that a man will be pleasing to me because he is pleasing to another is erroneous too, and to introduce me to one that I have not asked nor consented to know is an invasion of my rights, a denial and limitation of my liberty to a voice in my own affairs.17 It is like determining what kind of clothing I shall wear, what books I shall read, or what my dinner shall be.18
In calling promiscuous introducing an American custom I am not unaware that it obtains in other countries than ours.19 The difference is that in those it is mostly confined to persons of no consequence and no pretensions to respectability; here it is so nearly universal that there is no escaping it.20 Democracies are naturally and necessarily gregarious.21 Even the French of to-day are becoming so, and the time is apparently not distant when they will lose that fine distinctive social sense that has made them the most punctilious, because the most considerate, of all nations excepting the Spanish and the Japanese.22 By those who have lived in Paris since I did I am told that the chance introduction is beginning to devastate the social situation, and men of sense who wish to know as few persons as possible can no longer depend on the discretion of their friends.23
To say so is not the same thing as to say “Down with the republic!”24 The republic has its advantages.25 Among these is the liberty to say, “Down with the republic!”26
It is to be wished that some great social force, say a billionaire, would set up a system of disintroductions.27 It should work somewhat like this:28
Mr. White. Mr. Black, knowing the low esteem in which you hold each other, I have the honor to disintroduce you from Mr. Green.29 Mr. Black (bowing). Sir, I have long desired the advantage of your unacquaintance.30 Mr. Green (bowing). Charmed to unmeet you, sir.31 Our acquaintance (the work of a most inconsiderate and unworthy person) has distressed me beyond expression.32 We are greatly indebted to our good friend here for his tact in repairing the mischance.33 Mr. White. Thank you. I'm sure you will become very good strangers.34
This is only the ghost of a suggestion; of course the plan is capable of an infinite elaboration.35 Its capital defect is that the persons who are now so liberal with their unwelcome introductions, will be equally lavish with their disintroductions, and will estrange the best of friends with as little ceremony as they now observe in their more fiendish work.36
Sentence Notes
In plain English: The devil lives in every country, but only in America are we always in danger of being introduced to him.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: A startling first sentence that turns a social habit into a meeting with the devil.
In plain English: That's democracy for you.
In plain English: All men are equal; the devil is a man; so the devil is our equal.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: Mock logic: the reasoning is formally correct, which is the joke.
Reference & context: A parody of the Declaration of Independence (“all men are created equal”) in the form of a classic syllogism.
In plain English: If that isn't a sound and complete piece of logic, I'd like to know what's wrong with it.
In plain English: Writing in riddles is too much bother unless you're a prophet, so let me say it plainly: I'm talking about the horror of the typical American habit of random, unwanted, unapproved introductions.
In plain English: You carelessly run into your friend Smith in the street; if you'd been sensible, you'd have stayed inside.
In plain English: Feeling helpless, you desperately launch into a conversation with him, fully aware of the disaster that is waiting, ready and preserved, for you.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: A comically modern image: disaster kept on ice until needed.
Reference & context: Cold storage (refrigerated warehouses) was new technology around 1900.
In plain English: What you feared happens: another man comes along, Smith stops him at once, and you are introduced!
In plain English: Now, you never gave this Smith the right to expand your circle of acquaintances and choose the new member himself. Why did he do it?
Why this phrase is worth keeping: “The Smith” makes him sound like a species, not a person.
In plain English: The man he has sentenced you to shake hands with may be a fine person, though the odds are strongly against it; but for all Smith knows he could be your worst enemy.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: “A strong numerical presumption against it” is Bierce's cynicism dressed up as statistics.
In plain English: Smith has never thought of that.
In plain English: Or you may have proof (apart from the fact that Smith introduced him) that he is some kind of thief; there are one thousand and fifty kinds of thieves.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: The aside implies that being introduced by Smith is itself evidence against a person.
In plain English: But Smith has never thought of that.
In plain English: In short, Smith has never thought at all.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: The refrain “never thought of that” collapses into the punchline “never thought.”
In plain English: In a government by Smiths, since all men are equal, as I said, everyone is assumed to be equally pleasant to everyone else.
Reference & context: “Smithocracy” is Bierce's coinage, on the model of “democracy” and “aristocracy.”
In plain English: That's a logical extension of the Declaration of Independence.
In plain English: If that idea is wrong, then the assumption that I'll like a man because someone else likes him is wrong too, and introducing me to someone I didn't ask or agree to meet violates my rights; it denies and limits my freedom to have a say in my own affairs.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: Bierce turns the language of the Declaration (rights, liberty) against an everyday democratic habit.
In plain English: It's like deciding what clothes I'll wear, what books I'll read or what I'll have for dinner.
In plain English: In calling careless introductions an American custom, I know perfectly well that it happens in other countries too.
Reference & context: “Obtains” here means “is in use” or “exists.”
In plain English: The difference is that there it is mostly limited to unimportant people with no claim to respectability; here it is so nearly universal that you can't escape it.
In plain English: Democracies are naturally and unavoidably sociable, like herds.
In plain English: Even today's French are becoming so, and apparently it won't be long before they lose the fine social instinct that has made them the most correct in manners (because the most considerate) of all nations, except the Spanish and the Japanese.
Reference & context: France had become a republic again in 1870, so Bierce links its fading manners to democracy.
In plain English: People who have lived in Paris more recently than I have tell me that random introductions are starting to wreck social life there, and sensible men who want to know as few people as possible can no longer rely on their friends' good judgment.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: The ideal of the sensible man, to know as few people as possible, is a typically cynical Bierce reversal.
In plain English: Saying this is not the same as shouting “Down with the republic!”
In plain English: The republic has its good points.
In plain English: One of them is the freedom to say “Down with the republic!”
Why this phrase is worth keeping: A neat paradox: free speech in a republic includes the freedom to attack the republic.
In plain English: One wishes some powerful figure in society, a billionaire, say, would set up a system of “disintroductions.”
Reference & context: In 1902 the word “billionaire” was still new; John D. Rockefeller was on his way to becoming the first.
In plain English: It should work roughly like this:
In plain English: Mr. White: Mr. Black, knowing how little you think of each other, I have the honour of disintroducing you from Mr. Green.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: The formal phrases of an introduction are kept, but every key word is reversed.
In plain English: Mr. Black (bowing): Sir, I have long wanted the benefit of not knowing you.
In plain English: Mr. Green (bowing): Delighted not to meet you, sir.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: Reverses the stock phrase “Charmed to meet you.”
In plain English: Our acquaintance (brought about by a very thoughtless and unworthy person) has upset me more than I can say.
In plain English: We owe our good friend here a great deal for so tactfully fixing that unfortunate accident.
In plain English: Mr. White: Thank you. I'm sure you'll become very good strangers.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: “Very good strangers” is a delightful reversal of “very good friends.”
In plain English: This is only a faint outline of an idea; of course the plan could be developed endlessly.
In plain English: Its main flaw is that the people who now hand out unwanted introductions so freely would be just as generous with disintroductions, and would separate the best of friends with as little formality as they now use in their more devilish work.
Why this phrase is worth keeping: The final twist: the cure would suffer from the same disease, because the problem is people like Smith, not the custom.
Fun Fact
Bierce's end is one of literature's great mysteries. In late 1913, aged 71, he travelled to Mexico to observe the revolution there, apparently riding with Pancho Villa's army. His last known letter was dated 26 December 1913, and then he vanished without a trace. That is why his death date is printed with a question mark.